If you haven't figured out by now, I love to share. I have also told you all that this blog is like my therapy. I have always loved to write. It has been a way for me to communicate my inner most feelings, see them on paper (or screen), and then look at it objectively and learn. Just in case any of you were thinking, "Why does this girl feel the need to share everything?!" Now you know the answer. I have also prayed many times, "Lord, if You'll get me through it, I promise I'll share what I learn to help others" The need to share for me is almost like breathing, I just have to. I used to feel like I shared too much, but honestly, over the last few years, I don't think I've shared enough.
Another reason I started this blog is to chronicle my journey through this pregnancy. I feel like I'm still in the chapter of ...What is My Problem?! My brain is in reflective mode. I used to want to be, and sometimes still want to be, a psychologist. My favorite patient is myself. I am putting pieces together as to why I have the feelings, reservations, panic,etc. that I do about this pregnancy. I have found several pieces, but not all. Even now I can say I am better this week than I was last week. My Jesus is so faithful to me, and I have laughed and smiled and felt His peace wrap around me. I have had moments where I thought, it doesn't matter, Lord. Whatever comes, You've got me. This is progress, my friends!
One of the most powerful passages in scripture for my heart is found in Mark 9. Let me introduce you to a Daddy. This daddy loves his son, and his son is suffering - and has been- since childhood. The Bible tells us that he suffers from a mute spirit that attacks him and causes him to be unable to speak. Let me tell you why I love this daddy. He didn't have the answers. He had probably been mocked and ridiculed because of a circumstance that his son could not help. This daddy didn't hide away somewhere with his son. He sought out Jesus, whom he knew was the Healer. Before he made it to Jesus, the daddy had first gone to the Disciples. Even the Disciples could not heal the boy. They were Jesus' closest friends. Jesus had given these guys power to do more than He could do. Can you imagine how that daddy felt as he left the Disciples, and even they couldn't heal his boy?
Defeat. Hopelessness. Yearning. Love. This is what comes to my mind when I try to put myself in that daddy's shoes. We've all been there at one point or another. Maybe you experienced a loss that was so bad, you thought you'd never get over it. Maybe you prayed for healing for yourself or a loved one. Maybe you even had some people in your church pray with you, agreeing with you in prayer. We're supposed to get the answer we want, right? Welcome to this daddy's heart. Here comes the good part. He didn't stay down. He didn't even let his own thoughts separate him, or keep his precious boy from the healing power of his mighty Saviour!
Jesus inquires about the boy - which is great, because He knows everything about this boy. Jesus always has a purpose for the things He says, and the things He prompts us to say. You know as well as I do that there are ALWAYS some itching ears around. Then Jesus says to the daddy who wants more than anything to have his son whole, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes." So simple, but could you do it? Believe with everything in you, without a doubt, that a miracle can happen right now? Next is the most precious part of this story to me. You have to love a daddy who will be completely honest with His God. All he has to do is say the word. I love love love what he does. He is completely honest.
We know the Lord knows our thoughts completely. He knows everything about us. Why would we try to pull the wool over His eyes when He made the sweater, and He can see through the holes? This is why I can't pretend that I'm completely okay with the thought of having a fourth child. I am getting better, but I'm not where I want to be. I cannot pretend that I am at a place where I am not, and I won't. When we hold things in because we're afraid of how it may sound, who might hear it, and what people may think, we're losing sight of Who really matters. I know there are times when we need to hold our tongues, or watch our words, but we need people that we can be completely honest with who will lift us up in our time of struggle. So, here I am, sharing with my people. I need to feel an excitement for this child.
Let me take you back to the daddy. In the midst of some crowd of people, and after Jesus had told him all he has to do, the daddy speaks. Precious, precious words flow from his lips that, I believe, made Jesus' heart smile out loud. The Bible states it beautifully in Mark 9:24. "Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Father, I believe; help my unbelief!'"
This line of scripture still brings tears to my eyes. Tonight it is for a different reason than it has been in the past. This is where I live right now. I know His promises are true, and I know He has a plan that is for my good, so why would any part of me doubt that I should not feel anything but joy and elation during these early months of my pregnancy? The honest truth is, I don't know why. What I do know is that I believe my Jesus! I believe in Him enough to cry out to Him, through my tears, and tell Him exactly where my heart is. He already knows, and I believe He looks on us with joy when we just speak our hearts to Him. So, sweet friends, this is my prayer tonight, "Lord, help my unbelief!"
Jesus, in Your name, I come before You as Your child. I stand in the gap right now for my family and friends who may be experiencing their own battle with unbelief. Hold on to them, sweet Jesus, just like you held onto that precious daddy when no one else could seem to help. I know there are families that are hurting, marriages that are being torn apart, and precious children who are hurting from things and circumstances that are beyond their control. Help their unbelief, Lord! I pray that my friends would come to you with the troubles on their hearts, and that You, Abba Daddy, would love on them and wrap your peace around them like a big fuzzy blanket. I love you Lord, and I thank you for the friends who share in my journey with me.