Friday, July 30, 2010

Morrison, family of ...what?!

I cried as if someone told me there had been a death.  I stood looking at Randy, and I felt like a punch had been thrown, and before I could recover from that one, another came, and another.  These punches were my thoughts and their affect on my mind was crippling.  I had just been defeated.  So, I did all I could do in that moment to feel any kind of triumph.  I took the positive pregnancy test, flipped the lid on the trash can, and threw the test as hard as I could.

How could I be so unappreciative of a blessing, a miracle, a life that the Lord decided to give?  It is simple.  I thought my plans were given to me by the Lord.  I had been praying for a year fervently about our future.  I was coming to a point in my life where I was about to be able to do things I had put on the back burner for a long time.  This included contributing more to the family finances after being able to be a mom who was always available to her children.  My youngest is going to school full time this year, and Mama was going back to school to be ready by the next school year to put in applications for the job I spent four years of college to be able to do.  For me all that changed with a tiny little plus sign.

I cried and could do nothing for two days.  I had no energy because I couldn't eat.  I really was in mourning.  I was mourning all that I thought "Ashley" was and would be.  In thinking about our family, nothing in me wanted, or thought we needed, a fourth child.  What was worse than that, for me, was thinking I was walking in the plans the Lord had for me, and feeling like at this moment the Lord was nowhere near those plans - and how did I miss the day the Lord took a turn that I didn't follow?  Proverbs 16:9 tells me that a man's (or woman's) heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.  So, now I see that He didn't leave me, and how could I have seen this coming when I never allowed myself to consider it a possibility?  Also, I believe those plans He and I were making just might still happen.  Then there's the whole fact that sometimes, just like we parents, our Heavenly Father just might like to surprise us.  If my children ever reacted to a surprise I'd given them in the way that I reacted to my Father, I'd be sad.  That's what's precious in all this.  God didn't get mad at me.  He opened His arms, let me crawl up in His lap, and He held me lovingly as I cried my heart out.

What it boils down to is, He is Eloi - the God who knows me.  He knows me, and He loves me anyway.  He knew my heart would need to grieve, and He knows every emotion I will experience with this pregnancy.  I can honestly say I've never felt this way at the beginning of any of my pregnancies.  This baby will be loved by so many, including his/her Mama!  The journey will just be unique, and it will only make us appreciate more.  Everyday now I ask the Lord to give me enough strength to trust Him completely, today.   My Jesus has never let me down, and He has never left me alone.

I don't know if you can relate to this at all, but I'm sure each of you have gone through a difficult time in your life.  I encourage you, as I am still walking out my journey of faith, to let Jesus love you.  Even if you have to yell, scream, or cry, He won't judge you.  He promises that He will never leave us or forsake us, AND He tells us that His plans are for our good - not to harm us!  I'm praying now for those of you who may read this, and I am asking Jesus to meet you where you are today, and I am expectant for what He will do in you!


  1. Ashley, I feel you are are walking the same path I did .... just 10 years later. Except I think I was in mourning for 2 weeks =) .... How comforting that our Saviour loves us so deeply and allows us to feel every emotion so completely! Be honored my friend, you are on a very special journey ...... <3

  2. I am so glad you started a blog. I started one when we started our God journey that ultimately resulted in the gift of Caroline.
    I am reading a book by Beth Moore right now and she states that "God knows it's scary to be us." I really thought that was a unique statement. Even though he knows the path he has planned before the foundation of the earth for us, he still knows we can be scared of it but will love us through it. Chew on Isaiah 46:4. It speaks to me now that I am "older."
    Love you friend!

  3. Wow, Ashley! Thank you. Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for your honesty. And thank you for once again pointing us back to THE ONE who knows and loves us most--Jesus. While our fourth child was not THIS much of a surprise, I must confess that I, too, wasn't convinced that God knew what He was doing when He blessed us with Landon. My heart changed directions when I one day early in that pregnancy heard the song "every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise! When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will praise!" Little did I know about how God would use this little boy, at just 15 months of age, to help pull me through a breast cancer diagnosis and the treatment that followed. I had to fight for all of my family, but Landon still seemed so little and needed me most that He gave me much inspiration to push through each day. I share that with you to say, be encouraged! God is up to something GREAT and I, for one, will be following your blog to see how His awesome plan unfolds.
    Thanks again for always pointing me back to Jesus.
    Becky Horst

  4. Donna, it helps me so much to know people who have four children "success stories"! I know how much you love your family, and just know I will be looking to you for counsel. :)
    Erin, just knowing your story and knowing how good God was to you after much anticipation is a testimony in itself! I remember, still, how your Christmas card touched deep down in my heart. Just knowing you and sharing a friendship with you reminds me of how faithful Jesus is!
    Becky, you don't know how highly I esteem you, I'm sure, but you are such a humble, godly example of a mother and a friend! When our children were in the same class, mine absolutely adored yours. (I won't mention any names:) I will never forget when I asked her who of her friends did she absolutely know was a Christian by their actions, and her response was your sweet boy. Then I got to know you when I had sweet Leah in my class. You are an amazing example and encouragement. Thank you for sharing your journey with Landon. I am so thankful for the victory God gave you in your awesome life!!!! Thank you for shining His light!!!

  5. How exciting! You have such a way with words... thank you for sharing and being so real. Can't wait to see how the Lord continues to bless your growing family! :)