I cried as if someone told me there had been a death. I stood looking at Randy, and I felt like a punch had been thrown, and before I could recover from that one, another came, and another. These punches were my thoughts and their affect on my mind was crippling. I had just been defeated. So, I did all I could do in that moment to feel any kind of triumph. I took the positive pregnancy test, flipped the lid on the trash can, and threw the test as hard as I could.
How could I be so unappreciative of a blessing, a miracle, a life that the Lord decided to give? It is simple. I thought my plans were given to me by the Lord. I had been praying for a year fervently about our future. I was coming to a point in my life where I was about to be able to do things I had put on the back burner for a long time. This included contributing more to the family finances after being able to be a mom who was always available to her children. My youngest is going to school full time this year, and Mama was going back to school to be ready by the next school year to put in applications for the job I spent four years of college to be able to do. For me all that changed with a tiny little plus sign.
I cried and could do nothing for two days. I had no energy because I couldn't eat. I really was in mourning. I was mourning all that I thought "Ashley" was and would be. In thinking about our family, nothing in me wanted, or thought we needed, a fourth child. What was worse than that, for me, was thinking I was walking in the plans the Lord had for me, and feeling like at this moment the Lord was nowhere near those plans - and how did I miss the day the Lord took a turn that I didn't follow? Proverbs 16:9 tells me that a man's (or woman's) heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. So, now I see that He didn't leave me, and how could I have seen this coming when I never allowed myself to consider it a possibility? Also, I believe those plans He and I were making just might still happen. Then there's the whole fact that sometimes, just like we parents, our Heavenly Father just might like to surprise us. If my children ever reacted to a surprise I'd given them in the way that I reacted to my Father, I'd be sad. That's what's precious in all this. God didn't get mad at me. He opened His arms, let me crawl up in His lap, and He held me lovingly as I cried my heart out.
What it boils down to is, He is Eloi - the God who knows me. He knows me, and He loves me anyway. He knew my heart would need to grieve, and He knows every emotion I will experience with this pregnancy. I can honestly say I've never felt this way at the beginning of any of my pregnancies. This baby will be loved by so many, including his/her Mama! The journey will just be unique, and it will only make us appreciate more. Everyday now I ask the Lord to give me enough strength to trust Him completely, today. My Jesus has never let me down, and He has never left me alone.
I don't know if you can relate to this at all, but I'm sure each of you have gone through a difficult time in your life. I encourage you, as I am still walking out my journey of faith, to let Jesus love you. Even if you have to yell, scream, or cry, He won't judge you. He promises that He will never leave us or forsake us, AND He tells us that His plans are for our good - not to harm us! I'm praying now for those of you who may read this, and I am asking Jesus to meet you where you are today, and I am expectant for what He will do in you!