SLOW Day!

Snow rhymes with slow.  When the snow starts to fall in the South, we either get really excited or really aggravated.  I'm a teacher, and just like a kid I get excited - every time! I wasn't convinced we were going to be gifted a little snow day, but when I looked out the window Friday, I breathed.  I mean, I'm always breathing, but this was different.  It was the kind of breathing that you are aware of.  You feel it going in and out of your lungs.  ( I was recovering from bronchitis, so I was already aware of the physical breaths that were improving, but this was deeper than physical - I breathed into my soul.)

The light had not made its appearance for the day, so like an oversized kid, I ran and dove back under the covers!  I lay in my bed with a huge smile that would not go away.  I tried with all my might to sleep; however,  I was too excited!  I did get to take about 1000 naps throughout the day.  It was glorious!  

My kids enjoyed the day, and all of us shifted into a speed we are not familiar with - slow.  Because of this majestic white stuff, we had a SLOW day!  Our day turned into a weekend, and we spent time together - all six of us!  We had just come off a week of 4 kids' schedules plus a parent who coaches and another parent who does EVERYTHING!  We had grabbed fast food EVERY night that week!  We were on a crazy roller coaster of coming into the station to unload, only to catch another coaster to our next destination.  Now, roller coasters are exciting and exhilarating, but we can't ride one forever.  It loses its fun if we ride it every day for a week.  All weeks are not this crazy, but this one was a doozy.  

My daughter and I ventured out to the grocery store to buy food to cook.  I hear this is what many families do.  Upon arriving back home, I announced that no one was to eat out for the next week, and that I would have something home cooked every day for the next week.  I received the usual rolled eyes and surprised eyebrows, but it is now Sunday, and I have kept up my end of the bargain.  

I have a senior, a junior, a seventh grader, and a first grader.  I understand how precious my time with my people is.  We missed games, a prayer conference, a party, and a reunion.  We made a first  (ever) basketball game, where our little eaglette scored all 4 of his teams' points!  We made a last parade for my oldest daughter to march in as a Tigerette.  We ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner - together.  We laughed, we played, we teased each other, and we all enjoyed it.  (Yes, I speak for everyone, but I know the truth.)

When I started this blog venture, I was in the worst spiritual and mental shape of my life.  I snuggled my eaglette to sleep one night over the weekend, and as he nuzzled into me, I breathed.  I thanked the Lord for this precious gift that makes me remember what's important.  I enjoyed time with each of my children.  They are all at different stages, and have diverse personalities, and my Lord created each one of them.  I am honored to be chosen as their mother.  I am ever so grateful for time to slow down and just enjoy being a family.  

I could go into detail about each of them, and one day I'm sure I will.  What I want to share is this...

"Lord, you have established peace for us; all that we have accomplished, You have done for us" (Isaiah 26:12).

Peace.  This is not always a place I live.  I  have suffered with  anxiety since I was a small child.  Sometimes, I let it rule me, even when I know better.  I'm well into my forties now, and I've experienced "getting older".  I learned recently that I have an issue with the rhythm of my heart.  I don't know how long it has been affecting me, but I know the tiny little pill my doctor prescribed for me makes me understand what it's like to feel "normal".  If I had not sought out the help from my doctor, I would have just thought I was feeling panicky, which I've dealt with since my childhood.  This involved wearing a heart monitor for three weeks, which was definitely an inconvenience, but I would do it again to feel the way I do now.

Living in peace is new for me.  I've done it before, but it has been a long time.  It's amazing, and I want it for you all.  For those of you who find yourself in the midst of fear, anxiety, depression, or discouragement, I know those places all too well.  These places are not your permanent residences.   Just as I had to find my remedy, physically, we all have to reach in spiritually and mentally to find the answer we need.  You are not alone.  You are not crazy.  Life is unpredictable and mean.  It doesn't wait on us to be prepared, it attacks when we are weak.

What I want to convey is, God does have a plan for us.  He will use our weaknesses to show His strength, and to use us to strengthen others.  I hope you all get a chance to slow down this Christmas season.  Please know, He is for you!  He waits, and he will never get tired of waiting on us to find Him.

I hope you all get to experience whatever it is that makes your Christmas white.

Expectant,
Ashley 

Treasures

Purging.  Cleaning out.  Check list.  Get it done. Focus, Ashley.  Oh, look! (Smile spreads across my face.)
My summer days at home have looked and felt a lot like this.  I have felt the need to try to get organized.  I hate it.  I am easily overwhelmed by stuff.  I've never been good at organization.  My dad is organized to the extreme.  He raised me.  It didn't take.  His closet is pristine, a color-coded array of bliss - until I come along and put a white shirt right in the middle of all the blue shirts.  You either love me or hate me, and I'm his daughter, he loves me.

I have realized the other 5 people who live in my house might just benefit from some organization.  So, it is my duty to try harder!  This keeps me going for about 10 minutes, then it's back to external motivation.  I use music, bowls w/pieces of paper telling me what to do, dance breaks, starting 3 rooms at a time and going back and forth when I get bored, and then there are treasures.  Finding treasures is one sure way to get me to stay put in one place for an extended period of time.

My latest task was our linen cabinet in our bathroom.  That thing is huge and endless.  You can put your hand in to reach something in the back, and pull out 1988 - yes, the whole year.  So, for someone like me, this says, "Put that in here.  Still more room.  Put that in here, too.  You don't know what to do with that, still plenty of room in here!  I want it!  Give it to me!"  Maybe your linen closets don't speak to you, but everything speaks to me.

This thing houses our towels, our bed linens, and an array of things you would find in a medicine cabinet, make-up counter, hair studio, and cleaning supplies cabinet, with miscellaneous items as well.  A few months ago one of the shelves caved.  Um, I could still get to what I needed, so it sat crooked for those months and I went on with life.  No more.  I attacked.  This battle was long and arduous.  Too many sheets were threatening to overtake my joy.  Baskets, whose intended purposes were to organize, overflowed with an array of non-related jokers trying to confuse me.  What would have taken a normal person an hour, took me 3 days of walking away to "finish it later" and about 3 hours of "I will win this battle TONIGHT!" determination.  So, I did win.  The battle is over.

Amidst the rubble I did find some treasures - prenatal vitamins, um, and EPT stick still in the wrapper (I might have had some fun with Randy with this), those sexy fish net panties you get from the hospital after you have a baby (I might have had an obsession with these), and then this bracelet.  Oh, how it took me back.



I sat in our little blue denim rocker giving baby Asa his bottle.  Both precious angel girls were taking a nap at the same time on my bed. (hallelujah!) The phone rang.  I clicked the button, and before I said, "Hello?" I heard a guttural yell, which I knew belonged to my husband.

My heart went into my stomach as I said his name.  He then spoke quickly, trying to be calm and keep me calm, giving me as much information as he could, while he was in pain and soon shock, that I just can't even imagine.  "I've had an accident.  I've called David, and he is on his way.  I have a forklift in my leg.  I can hear the ambulance."  I was confused, but informed strangely.  I cried a little as I said, "Oh, Randy!  Are you by yourself?"  He told me he was, but that David said Jeff was close and he would be there any minute.  He needed to get off the phone.  I knew this.

I began talking out loud to Jesus. I called David, Randy's boss.  He was in front of the ambulance, and I could hear it in the background.  He would call me when he got to him and knew more.  He didn't call me back fast enough, so I called him back.  David told me that he was talking, and he looked good.  He said it was serious, but he would be okay.  At this point, I'm thinking the forklift had fallen over on him somehow and that something was in his leg.  Nope. The blade of the forklift broke off while Randy was in the cab of the bobcat.  When it broke, it impaled his leg. As the blade broke skin and began crushing his muscle, the weight of the blade caused Randy's foot to press the accelerator, which caused the impalement to go even deeper. We would learn later that the blade was just a couple of inches from his femoral artery, which would have been fatal.  David said he would call me when they knew which hospital he was going to.  When I got the call from David, he told me that the Lifesaver helicopter had been called, and they would be taking him to UAB.

Lifesaver.  I knew this was serious business.  My knees should have buckled, but they didn't.  I wanted to panic, but I couldn't.  I needed to go.  I called my friend, Michelle.  She is the reason Randy had a toothbrush, clean underwear, and clothes.  She prayed for Randy and for me.  She talked to me as I gathered things for him.  She told me what to do.  I love her.

Next, I had to call Randy's mama.  She was an hour and a half away, and I wished I could fly to her and tell her this news, but I couldn't.  I knew this was going to be so hard for her and Papaw because no one wants to receive news like this over the phone, much less have to drive that distance to get to their son.  I did the best I could on the phone with her.  I told her everything I knew, and that he talked to me.  This was a great comfort for all of us.  My dad came and got me and Bebe stayed with the kids.

All I could think was that I wanted to see his face.  I would know so much when I could look at his eyes, and his countenance.  A longing was stirring, and I just wanted to be there.  My thoughts were interrupted by my daddy's voice.  It said, "Now, Ashley, Randy didn't plan for this to happen.  He didn't do this on purpose, so you don't have to yell at him."  I looked at my daddy, and for the first time, I laughed out loud!  He was really worried that I was going to let Randy have it when I saw him!  Little did he know what I was really thinking.  I promised my daddy that I would not yell at my husband.

We arrived at the hospital before Randy did.  Lifesaver did come, but Randy could not ride in it because, get this, they needed him to sit up and help HOLD the blade that was in his leg.  WHAT?!?! He was helping to keep the pressure off that artery and they NEEDED him to be able to do this.  So, he rode in the ambulance, down 280 in 5:00 traffic.  Our pastor, Tim Evans, was already there when we arrived.  We love that man, too.  Finally, his ambulance arrived.  I had received my "training" in where to stand and what to do when the EMT's brought him inside.  I could see the back of him, and then they wheeled him around.  I could see the doors open and then his face.  It was lit up like a redneck yard at Christmas!  Huge smile across his face, as he said, "Did you bring the camera?!"  I almost broke my promise to my daddy.  I was not thinking about a stupid camera.

My crazy husband was okay!!!!!  I saw him briefly and had to wait again.  We both are gore seekers, so he begged the nurses to let me come back before they wheeled him to surgery.  Oh my goodness!  I got to see amazingness.  At that point I wished I HAD brought the camera.  It was truly unbelievable.

He came through surgery like a champ.  He had a week's stay in the hospital, and 1/4 of his muscle removed.  He completed his physical therapy and has never even limped.  He is a reminder that the Lord is gracious and mighty, and this man I'm married to is full of His favor.

Twelve years ago God saved my husband from physical death.  Last night as I won the battle, He reminded me of so much.  Randy and I are created so differently.  I love to encourage and to be encouraged.  He loves to point out all the things that still need to be done instead of what I did such a good job on today. ;)  He loves to do.  He is creative and hard working and is always looking for what he can do next.  I love to sit down and talk and hide from whatever is next on the to-do list.  I think about more things, he does more things.  Sometimes it's very hard, but I truly am glad we are in this together.  I can honestly say there is no one I would want to do this with besides him.  Somedays, if I had a magic wand, I would definitely get him to do things my way, but so would he.

So, Randy's theme song is "What a Man" by Salt n Peppa.  Like, I just hear it in my head when he walks in the room.  Sometimes I can get him to play along and flex for me, but that is rare.  I love this guy!  I don't always like him, but that's okay.  I treasure that bracelet because it reminds me of second chances, and that my husband can still hold me close and dance with me, when I make him.

We all need these little treasures to pop up and remind us as we reminisce on the good and the bad times in our lives.  If I hadn't been doing something I dread, I wouldn't have found it and had this little reminder.  What really matters in your life?  What can you cling to?  If you need something to cling to, rather someone, Jesus is there.  He never goes away.  We do.  He is always ready.  It's never too late.


Expectant with camera ready,

Ashley

If You Have It, Expect it to be Taken

We've all heard it said that imitation is the best form of flattery.  So, why does that green-eyed monster pop up in us when someone takes what we've done, and repeats it, shares it, or perhaps even does it better than we do?  At our church a person has the opportunity to learn his/her spiritual gifts and personality through a night of fun assessments.  It only takes about an hour, and you come out knowing your personality type, and the areas in which the Lord has chosen to gift you, supernaturally.  So, your personality is how you ARE - what makes you tick, how you function on a day to day basis, and how you interact with other people, based on what comes naturally to you.  Your spiritual gifts are not your personality.  They are gifts - something that has been given to you because God wants to use you to reach others.  Others will look at you and wonder how you are able to do what you are doing, if they don't possess the same gift.  This is God working through you.  It is not about your ability.  It is about His. 

I recently sat through this class at church for about the fourth time.  One of my daughters was on her third time through, and I just listened. I loved it!  I get excited when I think about people finding out what they were created to do!  This morning the Lord whispered something precious and profound.  "Expect everything you give in ministry to be taken." At first I was like, "Who is this for, Lord?  It's not like I am 'in ministry' anymore.  Who?  For whom are you giving this to me?  Alice?"  He replied, "You."  I may have said this before, but the Lord and I have this deal, that whatever He sees me through, I will share with others if it can help.  I was confused at first. 

Friends, the last few years have been hard for me.  I have been the needy friend.  I have needed and relied on the prayers of my sweet friends to get me through some seriously rough and dry personal times in my walk.  What has happened is that my faith has grown tremendously, and in a different way than it has ever been strengthened before.  I'm still not experiencing a victory in places that I am longing for it, though.  It's sort of like an athlete training, getting stronger, and having all this expectation for something big, and being ready for the big event, but something is keeping her from knowing the date of the competition.  In the disappointment of waiting, she finds herself slipping up on the easy things.  Things she's already conquered, and then the questions start.  "What has happened to me?  Where is my focus?  Why am I slipping up on THAT?  Why did I think I was ready for this?  I am a disappointment."  I know the real reason is that God has His own timing, and it is NEVER on my timeline!  I know this, but many times I lose sight of this.  Sometimes, the Lord wants to use us more in the journey through our difficulties than in the destination. 

So, what are your spiritual gifts?  Think about them.  Thank Jesus for them right now.  No, seriously, stop reading and thank Him - for each one. 
Thank you Jesus, for the gift of prophecy.  Help me to continue to find ways to share your truth, in love.  Thank you for the gift of exhortation. I mean, I LOVE to use this gift.  I enjoy the opportunities you give me.  Thank you for mercy, Lord.  I understand how much mercy you have given to me, and I love extending this to others.  May they see you in all these gifts, and not ever me.
Whatever gifts you have, they come easily to you.  Using them is not hard.  You will actually enjoy it tremendously!

Now, we all have a ministry.  Where has He called you? Where do you work? Who are your neighbors?  What are your hobbies?  Where are you sitting waiting on your kids to get finished?  Who do you keep walking past at church?  None of these places or people are accidents in your life.  It is your ministry.  Use your gifts.  Reach out to these people.  That prayer you've been praying, someone you come in contact with at these places may have the answer.  Here's the warning, remember, this was for me.  I'm just sharing it because someone might learn.  My gift is not MINE.  It is HIS!  He chooses to use me as a vessel. If I start to think of it as my gift, I will lose the joy that comes from the initial intent of the gifting. 

Let me drive this home.  I'm a teacher.  Many of you are in one area or another.  Before the days of Pinterest, we had to dig and pray, and work tirelessly on the perfect lesson plan for our unit.  Lots of blood, sweat, and tears went into that perfect plan - especially on administrative observation day.  I have met teachers who would rather die than share anything with me.  Then there are those teachers who poured into my life and my soul, because they shared their ideas, allowed me to use them, and encouraged me as I created my own.  The love and admiration I feel for these people is immeasurable!  Christy Nockels, my favorite, once shared something with me.  She said, "When the Lord puts someone in my life to mentor, I know I am supposed to pour everything He has given me into her, and pray that He will bless her with even more ability than I have known."  That, my friends is ministry.  We should expect everything we have to give to be taken from us, improved upon, and shared with the next person all in order to spread the love and the knowledge of Jesus Christ. 

"My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."  Phillipians 4:19

Expectant,
Ashley

39

I saw her walking toward me, her long white gossamer gown flowing.  Her hair was long and dark, just like I remembered it.  She was carrying a book in her hand as her eyes met mine, she smiled.  "Daddy, tell me your favorite verse, and I'll read it to you."  I noticed the book, seemed to be a Bible, but it was very thin - like a child's book.  I told her a verse, and she replied, "That one is not in here."  We went through this two more times before she said, "Daddy, the only verses left in here are the verses that need to happen before Jesus returns.  (A Dream from my Papaw, Joe Lee Gulledge)

(A few years earlier...)
Today is my birthday.  Those are my new tennis shoes on my feet.  I can feel them.  I hear music.  My hair is being brushed by my sister.  My husband is singing to me.  They love me.  What is this?  Headphones?  Ok, I hear a click... more music?  Oh, haha!  It's "Raspberry Beret".  My daughter must have sent this.  Wait.  Do you hear that?  Hold on.  Is she here?  She's talking to me.  Where is she?!  Ashie!  Oh, Jesus, this voice is such a gift today.  I wish I could see her, but I can't hug her or kiss her.  Still, I get to hear her voice.  She is laughing, oh, and listen to her trying to sound so grown.  She's trying to be strong.  Jesus, my girl needs me.  Who is holding her, and talking to her when she worries so?  Listen to that voice.  She is singing now.  Ooh, she made up her own song.  This is precious to me. 

When will I ever be able to talk again?  How will I ever tell them how much I miss them, and appreciate all the hours they've spent here with me?  Oh, Jesus, when will I hold my baby again?  He needs me.  My arms are aching to snuggle him next to me.  I want to look into his little brown eyes, and watch that precious face light up as he talks to me.  Where are they, Lord?  Who is loving them? Who is singing to them, and making them laugh?

"My daughter, soon, I will bring you home.  I am preparing a place for you, and when it is ready, I will come for you. I know you have questions for me, and I will take all the time you need to answer all of them, before we leave."

Oh, you mean, I'm not going to wake up?  I'm not going to see my children again?!  Jesus!  They need a mother!  Ashley.  She's only ten.  Teenage years are just around the corner, you know how she'll need me!  Lord, she worries so much, what will this do to her?  Jesus, my baby.  Hunter.  My time has been so short with him.  A baby needs his mama.  Lord, he has brought me such joy.  He has made so much in my life new again.  He brought me back to you, Lord.  He reminds me of your promises.  I can't leave him.  I can't abandon my baby. 

"Sylvia, I have made a way for you, and for those you love.  What Satan has meant for your harm, I will use for good.  I have a plan for you to all be together, very soon.  I will take you first, and you will help me prepare for the ones you love.  You are instrumental in my plan.  You are the firstborn.  I am choosing you, even before I bring home your parents.  All your siblings will know where you are, and when I know they are ready to join you, I'll call them home, and you will welcome them with me."

Neb?  He loves me so much, Lord.  He would do anything for me.  He's got too much to handle on his own.  I can't leave him. 

"Do you trust me?   Nothing will make complete sense, and they will have to choose my plan, but I promise you, I have a place for each of those you love.  I will use your absence from their lives to draw them to Me.  They will reach out to me in ways they would not if you were still in their lives. "

Help me, Lord.  I want to trust you, but you have to know that you made me to fight for my kids.  I'm trying to hold on, Lord.  I'm trying to get back to them, and now, You're telling me that Your plan is to not send me back to them?  How do I accept this?  For so long Ashley and I have been each others' all in all.  I wouldn't have made it through some tough times without having her beside me.  So many days, I kept going because of her.  Then, Neb came into my life, and brought me back to the place I needed to be.  Blessing after blessing, and then our precious joy came to us.  How do I leave my baby, Jesus?

"Let me help you.  I'll give you a sneak peak of what I have in store.  Since Ashley was six years old, every night she has asked me to not let divorce come into her marriage.  Sylvia, I am preparing her husband even now.  He has no idea yet.  Look.  Here he is in few years."

Oh, he looks like, like ...You. 

"Well, yes, he does.  What you are seeing is the future.  See all those kids on the beach?  They are at a  retreat .  This man, who will be your daughter's husband, is portraying me on my walk to calvary.  He is carrying a cross, just like I did so many years ago.  He is acting, but he will stir the hearts of many of these teens.  Many of them will make a decision to follow me for the rest of their lives, right there on that beach.  In a few years from now, Ashley will meet him at this very same retreat.  I have big plans for their lives together.  You're not going to want her to miss this."

Miss this?  No!  Wait, are you saying she could miss it?  Lord, please, don't let her miss this!  Okay, and Hunter, and Neb?  What about my brothers and sisters...and Mama and Daddy? Greg and Beverly?

"Come, I'll show you.  You will see the plan I have for each of them.  It has been 25 days since your birthday.  After I show you my plan for each of those you love, I will give you as many days as you need to pray, interceding for the plans I have for them.  When you are ready, I will take you home with me.  Once we are there, your daddy will join you very soon, and then your mama.  It will be just like preparing for a family get together.  You know someone always has to get there first to get things ready.  I have chosen you for this.  One more thing, once you are home with me, you will no longer feel this sorrow over your loved ones.  You will have a great anticipation of joy, that never leaves.  When you turn to see a loved one walk through the gates, that joy will swell like you never thought.  Just as your family arrives at the lake for get-togethers, so will your family arrive at your eternal home.  Some will arrive shortly after you, others will arrive at the same time, or one right after the other, others will seem to be running behind everyone else, but remember, I have a place set at my table for all of them."

Jesus, I understand.  I am ready to pray for my family.

"Sylvia, I have heard your prayers for all those whom you love.  I want to show you just a few more things.  It will make your departure easier.  You know Beverly.  She needs Ashley.  She doesn't realize it yet, but I love that daughter of mine, and your daughter is how I plan to show her my love for her.  Also, I will bless Ashley with two daughters.  One she will pray for desperately, and one whom I will surprise her with shortly after the first.  Sydney and Gracen will have a part of you in them that will bring Ashley joy and blessings.  I will also bless her with two sons.  Much like the girls, she will ask me for one, and I will bless her with the other.  Asa and Aaron. Oh, and Asa's name means healer.  He will be born on this day, nineteen years from now.  He will bring dancing to replace her mourning.  Aaron, oh how he will be a surprise!  He will complete her family.  He will remind her and all of your family that the plans I have for them are always far greater than any plan any of them could comprehend on his own or her own."

Lord, may I ask one more thing?   I know this is quite a request.  I want my children to be comforted.  I sing to them, and they settle at the sound of my voice.  My sisters...we all sing together, praises to you, and I always felt close to you whenever we would sing.  Could I...

"Whenever your sisters sing, your children will feel my peace, and they will look twice, because they will hear their mama's voice in the midst of the praises."

"Come, child, it's time to go home."
____________________________________________________________________________________
 Yesterday was my 39th birthday.  I am an emotional nostalgic who makes small things very big.  I have known about my 38th and 39th birthdays since I was 10.  Yes, I have known about every birthday since I was old enough to comprehend birthdays, but I have known that these two birthdays would be significant, sad, and promising.  My mom experienced her 38th birthday in a coma, and it marked the beginning of celebrating my mama's birthday without her.  She never had a 39th birthday.  Yesterday, I celebrated mine.  Weird.  Those of you who have outlived a parent know what I'm talking about.  I also know the day I outlived my mama on this earth, and so do my closest friends. :)  I think my blog today was my birthday present from the Lord, and my mama.  It might have been one of the things she got to pray for me before He took her home. 

I know my God is sovereign, and I believe He has a plan for each of my family members.  If you are my family, and you are reading this, please, please accept Jesus' plan for your life!  We cannot miss the eternal celebration, where I'm sure there's a lake and a diving board!  I love you all, and I know how much mama loved all of you!  Please ask Jesus to reveal his plan to you. 

This blog tends to be my therapy.  I never really know who reads this, and I always say if it touches one person, it wasn't just for me.  Well, today, I really just needed it.  Yesterday was a battle.  I woke up today, so we won!  It's time to live like never before!  Since 12-12-12, I have been living in unchartered territory as far as mothers and daughters go.  You know, " Well when my mom was my age..."  My mom was never my age, but I am the age she was not.  I choose this blessing, and I am thankful that I get to hang around!  I want to take as many of you home with me as I can.  Who's in?

Expectant,
Ashley

Prowess

I pulled in the drive and immediately began smiling.  There they were - those crazy Highlands College guys.  They were pointing and shaking their signs at me.  They were so excited that I chose to drive up the driveway they were working.  I began honking at each set of sign holders.  Then I would look to the other side, and there were more!  Each one was waiting on their honk from Jane Honda.  I played the game fairly -waving and honking at each one.  I have no idea what their signs said, until I reached the last one.  "You are Beautiful".  My laughter ceased.  Tears began rolling down my cheeks. There was a catch in my throat.  It was as if Jesus was standing right there holding that sign, just for me.

As a young girl, I hated for people to see me cry.  I definitely considered it a weakness - something I needed to overcome.  That girl is long gone.  I gave up the battle.  When the Lord is dealing with me, when He is breaking my spirit, whatever has been a hard solid turns to a runny liquid, and it presents itself in my eyes. So, I knew the Lord was up to something, and I knew it was deeply personal.  With this knowledge I pulled into my parking spot and offered up my surrender.  "Already?!"  When we first began coming to Highlands, back when we met at Mountain Brook High School, I had been so dry.  By the end of the service I was usually in tears.  One morning it started during the opening song of worship.  Randy looked at me and said, "Already?" with a smile, of course.  I was all ready for whatever lay ahead for me.

To be sitting in this parking lot was a feat in itself.  Every year I had come up with reasons I didn't need to come.  Enter Aunt Jodie.  She called me this summer and wanted to know if I was going.  After hem-hawing around the subject, I said, "You know what, I'm just going to make it a priority.  Yes!"  She called back a few minutes later and said she had just bought my ticket.  Have I told y'all how much I love her?  This is a huge lesson in blessing others.  Several different events were going on with my kids, and if I had paid for my ticket, I would have missed Friday's session and just come on Saturday.  But, you see, Aunt Jodie bought my ticket, and it would have been rude if I skipped out on something she had paid for me.  Aunt Jodie and Kaci were there early and ready to get us as close to the front as we could get.  Bless us, we are all people watchers with a touch of ADD.  We all needed to pay attention, and sit close!

 I can't even build the anticipation for you.  She got us on the very front row!  Christy Nockels was leading worship that night (my all-time fav), and I could almost touch her.  Memories.  My mind raced back to so many years that Randy and I traveled to Franklin, TN to attend Worship Together.  We heard the hearts of Christy and her husband, Nathan. I looked up and there he was, on the keyboard playing as she sang.  Preciousness.  I remembered the rides home, talking and writing.  Getting home and seeing a scene resembling what was on stage in front of me, with my husband playing his keyboard and praising and worshiping our Lord.  Preciousness.  Those days seemed like centuries ago, but the Lord was bringing them to the forefront of my mind.  He began revealing to me how He sees my husband, and how He wants me to see him.  Randy and I had just been praying together out LOUD for the Lord to PLEASE allow us to see each other through His eyes, because we were obviously missing something.  We laughed about it, but we were serious!  Now, here I stood having my prayer answered, and my spirit and heart broken. 

Here is where I'll introduce you to Kaci.  When she was little, she would tell everyone that she was "precious".  She was speaking prophecy.  She is my sister from my mama's sister.  She is the first person whom I have loved from birth.  (Can you think of who that person is in your life?)  I am 6 years older than her, and after we both survived my teenage years (and her obnoxious years), we are each others' favorite.  We are such opposites, but so enthralled with each other.  She recently rescued the ugliest cats I've ever seen.  They are 8 year old Persians - brother and sister, and they really are cute.  She calls them "smooshiefaces", and I love that. The three of us ladies spent the night at Kaci's , and as if my night hadn't already been so excellent, I now got to spend the night with my favorites AND play with cats!  Every girl's dream, right?

 After you spend and evening with Jodie and Kaci, your sides will begin to ache.  Either of them is funny on her own, but together they are too much!  As we were getting ready the next morning, I realized as I was in Kaci's shower that my hygiene regime is pretty boring.  There were all kinds of fun stuff in there!  I used it all!!!!!  Another thing I should tell you about Jodie and Kaci is that they are beautiful through and through.  They always look polished.  They are the ultimate Pretty Pretty Princesses.  They speak fashion fluently.  Jodie showed me some tricks for my hair, and told me to "try this".  I love this about her.  I told my girls that Aunt Jodie is the one who taught me how fun it is to share.  Anything she has ever had, I have always felt welcomed to it.  So, here we all were.  I realized I had left my make- up in my car, so I just used Jodie's.  Kaci was putting on her finishing touches as I stood there admiring my jeans I had scored from the Lost and Found at dance.  You might think I felt out of place, but really, I didn't.  It felt like home to me, and I'm comfortable with their prettiness and my naturalness.

Again, I heard the word "beautiful", this time from Aunt Jodie.  She was talking about my eyes.  I thanked her and moved on.  She tried to linger on the issue, but that was enough.  A few minutes later, a stranger asked me for Ibuprofen.  I was looking through my pouch, and as I looked up, she said, "Oh, your eyes are beautiful."  Aunt Jodie chimed in again.  I thanked them both, and felt uneasy.  "Why are you repeating this, Lord?"  I was uncomfortable.  Why was I uncomfortable?  I mean, I'm wearing my t-shirt and my lost and found jeans.  I'm not supposed to be beautiful.  I'm natural, and plain, and comfortable.  Beauty takes work, and "ain't nobody got time for that!"

By now you know I like cats.  I love BIG Cats, too.  I have a healthy respect for them, but if I had a chance to pet a tiger, I totally would!  Lisa Bevere spoke to us about the Lioness.  You absolutely must google this!  It is powerful!  What I heard was this...  Lionesses calculate their ovulation cycle so that they can have babies at the same time.  They raise their cubs together because there's strength in numbers.  A lioness hunts in the dark, but she lives in the light.  She is strong, and powerful.  Her power comes from knowing her strength. When we humble ourselves, His power becomes our strength, and only when we understand this is Christ's beauty truly revealed in us.  I had to be broken before His beauty could be revealed in me.  "Your eye is the lamp of the body, when your eye is unclouded, your whole body is full of light.  But when your eye is evil, your body is full of darkness." Luke 11:34.

The lioness is also the huntress.  She stalks and kills her prey.  She must do this in order for her family to survive.  She embraces her prowess, and she uses it to her advantage.  Sydney found a defintion for the word "prowess" that we love - to study, observe, and practice.  I will close with the story of a lion and 2 lionesses.  I am totally stealing this from Lisa, so read her book, Lioness.  This family of 3 had been raised in captivity.  The time had come for them to be released back into the wild.  The problem was they would not step over their boundaries.  The keepers decided they needed to stir up a hunger in them.  Still, nothing.  Finally after days, the keepers killed a bull.  The Alpha Female smelled what would satisfy the hunger in herself, and the other 2.  She leaped over the boundary and approached the kill.  She made eye contact with the other lioness.  Now, the two of them were standing over the bull.  The lion was still inside the boundary, hesitantly waiting.  The two lionesses pulled the bull back inside the boundary and laid the bull at the feet of the lion, where they all 3 ate their meal.  The lioness honored the position of the lion - not because of how he was acting at the moment, but because of what he would become in the plan God has for his life.  She knew the strength of her power.

How is your prowess?  Are you studying, observing, and practicing the things God wants you to?  I pray that you find all God has for you.  I pray that we will be able to honor those whom God has placed us under.  I pray that we will all realize the strength of our power, and that we will humbly use the gifts He has so graciously given us. I pray that we will work on the things that He speaks to our spirits, that we will allow Him to break us, so that He can place upon us all that He has planned for us.  " Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us."  Psalm 90:17


Expectant,

Ashley

I love in RED!

I am coming to the end of my busy wedding season.  A friend recently prayed, "Thank you Lord that seasons don't last."  Her words wrapped a breathe of fresh air around my heart.  I have been in the middle of a season for a while now, and well, I hate it.  If you know me, you know the "h" word is almost considered a bad word in my vocabulary, and I reserve it only for things that truly deserve it.  The season I am speaking of has nothing to do with weddings, but everything to do with my heart. 

Let me tell you what I love about my job as a wedding director.  I get to work at a place that is nothing short of magical.  The animals in the garden or the meadow almost speak out loud to me.  Something is always in bloom, and I am surrounded by the beauty God has created.  Then there are the people.  At Mathews Manor we all work together as a team.  We are an all-inclusive venue, and we all work very well together to make a bride's dream come true for her wedding day.  I love to get inside that dream, and I do my best to make this dream a reality.  I listen.  I hear her heart.  The dream has built itself over years in which the bride has made mental, and written notes on what she wants to happen on this day that is hers and her groom's alone.  I am the obstacle remover.  I love to find the joy in every situation, and I enjoy keeping her day stress and worry free.  As the day approaches, we have a rehearsal to get all the kinks out, and to ease the bride's mind.  Wedding day arrives, and everything and everyone is transformed.  When I step back and look, it truly is amazing at how magical it all becomes.  The bride in her gown, her hair just right, and the look I get to witness when a groom sees his bride for the very first time...mmmmm ummmmm!  That's good stuff! 

There is always something from each wedding that will speak to my heart.  I've been married for 15 years, but I know I can always learn something from a new couple.  Tonight's couple touched my heart so deeply, my eyes overflowed a bit.  They wrote letters to each other.  In them they included what they loved about each other, and their hopes and dreams.  A common thread in both was the thought that they would do anything for the other.  Working to provide whatever the other needed, facing life beside each other, helping you be all God created you to be - these were just a few of their thoughts.  This couple has already thought of the future.  I thought of my future, and my past.

On my way home, I listened to a cd that my girls had in the car.  I smiled as one of the songs began.  A friend told me she had wondered about one of my girls.  This one can be quiet at times, which can be confused with insecurity.  My friend said, "Then I saw her in the talent show.  She was wearing red, and she danced to the song "Red", and she owned that stage. I knew she was just fine."  There is so much I could dissect from that statement.  You see, this was my friend, Debbie, who has known me since 5th grade.  She knows I love the color red.  I really think the Lord used those little details to confirm that my girl was confident in who she is.  I love that He used that day to show her.

So as I listened to the song, I thought, "Lord, this is my life."  I love in red.  Sometimes I try not to, but it just comes out red.  RED is translated for me as "much" or "everything" or even "all-in".  Gray might be half-hearted, blue might be expecting the worst.  Red means giving everything you've got, because you just can't love any less.  See, Jesus loved me in red.  I understand this.  How could I love any less, knowing how amazingly red He has loved me?  So, He shows me so much through His eyes.  I see most people through His eyes.  I honestly think it is a gift He has given me.  If you are in my life, I love you, and you know it.  Jesus has given me gifts, and they have names.  People names.  I love people, and I love making people feel loved. 

Why could loving in red ever be a problem? Well, because we're imperfect.  Jesus could do it beautifully, and without flaw - you know, that whole "perfect" thing.  I love in red, I also hurt in red, and react in red, and yearn in red.  As exhilarating as it is to love in red, all the other feelings in red can be incredibly painful.  That's why I hate it.  I hate pain.  I hate being hurt, and I hate that I probably hurt others because of my hurt.  I am in the middle of an almost silent battle, and it's been raging for a long time.  I don't show it often, and only those closest to me see it at all.  It's there - my red season.  You know, if I were to  lose an extensive amount of blood, I could die.  If I accept the blood Jesus shed for me, I can live forever.  Death and life from the same source. 

I feel that I have experienced death in areas of my life that need to be resurrected.  Death and life from the same source.  Some seasons are for growing, getting fuller, bigger, better.  Some seasons are for pruning, suffering, yes - even hurting.  My heart has this in it tonight.  I'm sharing this season, because someone needs to know she or he is not alone.  I know joy in red is around the corner!  I know I have to persevere in red to get through this as fast as I can.  I need to be the obstacle remover from my own race.  I do need accountability.  I have a responsibility to get through this and come out on the other side.  Some days all I can see are the broken pieces.  I know my God sees the big picture, and I trust Him.  I've been here before with my little eaglette.  I remember those days of praying, "Lord, please give me enough faith for this day." My faith is strong right now, but my heart is not.  Death and life from the same source. 

Jesus died so that we could live.  His death is the source of our life.  It's Father's Day.  My Father says He has made a way for you.  Are you struggling through a season right now?  You're not alone.  Trusting in Jesus does not mean your troubles will be erased or that they will never return.  It just means that He will be there right beside us along the way.  He'll be there in red!  I don't know when my season will end, but I know that it will end.  Jesus has never let me down.  If you have accepted Him as Lord of you life, can I ask you ...are you closer to Him today than you were a year ago?  I hope you can see Him as a person, with whom you can have a relationship.  Just as you would talk to a friend and keep her updated on what's going on, He wants to hear from you.  Tell Him.  If you're like me, and ready to move out of this season, let's keep knocking!  "Lord, it's me again.  I'm ready to move, can it happen today?"  I am confidant that I am learning some hard truths that I will gladly share when I know I've heard correctly, and reacted obediently.  (Okay, so this may take a while, still.)

One thing I am determined in is that I will not stop loving in RED!  To quote Taylor Swift, "Losing him was blue, like I never knew.  Missing him was dark grey all alone.  Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met.  But loving him was red."  Obviously, she's talking about a silly boy.  I think we go through our lives feeling blue, dark grey, and ...um, trying to know somebody you've never met (what color is that, Taylor?).  Life is a roller coaster of emotions.  The most vibrant color I know is red.  That's why I've always loved it.  I'm not going to love in dark grey, or even light grey.  I know I'll go through some blue days, but y'all...!  Loving, and experiencing in RED makes you forget those meaningless grey days, and the big ole' blue days, because RED is worth it - everytime!

Expectant in RED,

Ashley

Sydney Raina becomes a Teenager

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted my request."  1 Samuel 1:27  These words were spoken by Hannah as she petitioned the Lord for a child.  Many of us find ourselves in her shoes.   This prayer started for me as a young child.  I knew I wanted children.  I prayed the Lord would allow me to be a mama.  After losing my mom, I wanted to be a mama even more.  Somehow,  I wanted to pick up where she left off, and continue a journey til it's very end.  I have prayed that the Lord would allow me to be a mother to my children, and my children's children.  Thirteen years ago, the Lord blessed my life like never before with a sweet little bundle whom we call Sydney Raina. 

Her name is close to my mom's, but it is her own.  After I named her, my Mamaw said, "Oh!  I named your mother after an actress because I loved her name."  You'll never believe what the actress's name was!  Sylvia Sydney!  Everytime I think of that, I smile!  When I was pregnant with Syd, I prayed my heart's desire.  I would have loved her just as much if she had been a boy, but I did ask for a girl.  I never knew how much I needed this girl!  My Jesus did.  I know now that I was praying God's desire for my life.  Sometimes we need to do that.  Pray in faith for something that we want with all of our hearts.  It just might be Him nudging us to pray His will.

From the start this girl has been amazing!  She has always loved books.  She talked like an adult very early.  I found myself having grown up conversations with my 2 year old.  She has a gift for translating baby talk.  She did it with Gracen.  For the life of me, I would not know what Gracen wanted, but Sydney would tell me what she was saying, and Gracen would nod her head.  I was reminded of this when Aaron was talking to me, and I kept asking him to repeat it.  Sydney walked through and told me what he was saying.  I just looked at her like, how do you do that?!  When she was very little, she got one of those toy piano/xylophone toys.  Apparently, one of the pieces was off key.  (I never would have known this.)  Randy took it to his work bench and hammered it until it played the correct note.  I laughed so hard at this, but honestly, I'm so thankful her daddy has the gifts that he does, and that he uses them.  My sweet girl plays the piano and sings.  She can read music, but she plays mostly by ear.  I discovered this when she was in fourth grade.  I was fixing dinner and I heard her playing Beethoven.  It was good, but I didn't think she had music to play it.  I walked downstairs and asked her how she was playing that.  She said that she had heard it at school today.  Amazing!

She loves to dance, and I love watching.  She has always looked deep into my soul with her big ole eyeballs.;)  She wants to figure out everything.  Her heart is tender, but she is emotionally strong.  She doesn't let herself get beat down with the everyday life of a junior high girl.  She has let me in when the world has been too much, and for that I am so thankful.  She sees my needs, and bless her heart, she tries her best to meet them - at times to the point of a little mama guilt that my girl can read me so well! 

I have wanted this birthday to be so special for her.  It seemed that so many things were working against that this week, and especially this weekend.  Asa has a tournament in Montgomery, which would cause the family to not be together.  I had two very sweet friends pray with me, and help me see that it's okay.  When you have four children, and 3 are involved in their own activities, even to have one parent attend their events is a blessing.  Sydney and Gracen will be performing in their first clogging competition today!  We are so excited, and this is a perfect day for Syd - church, then dancing.  Just a little while ago, we got a text that Asa's tournament was cancelled.  Guess who gets to come see her today?!  Her WHOLE family!  All grandparents, parents, and siblings together!!!!  Woo hoo!!!!!  This will make her day!  Thank you Jesus, you knew this all along! 

I am so thankful for my girl who loves her Savior, her parents, her siblings, friends, and family.  I am thankful for the gifts the Lord has put inside of her and that she is learning  to use them to give back to Him.  I am not finished praying for this child, and I will continue to seek Him for her sake, and I will continue to ask Him to grant my requests on her behalf.  I can't imagine all the plans He has for her, but I am so ready to watch them unfold.  Thank you Jesus, for our beautiful teenager!

Expectant for all He has for my sweet girl,

Ashley :)

iRun (a marathon relay) with My Savior!

"THAT was so fun!"  My words after experiencing my first Mercedes Marathon Weekend.  I have the privilege of teaching elementary P.E. at Gathering Place Christian Academy, and I decided last summer that we would participate in the Kids' Mercedes Marathon.  The kids started in September logging miles. They each had to run 25.2 miles by the end of January.  Last Saturday they completed their marathon by running the last mile and crossing the same finish line the Marathoners would cross on Sunday.  What an accomplishment these kids have made!  I am so very proud of them!  Not only did they achieve amazing personal goals, but they motivated their teacher.

I decided to up my game a bit.  My longest distance before February was 5 miles.  So, I decided to see if anyone would be interested in running the Marathon Relay.  It's 26.2 miles broken down into 5 different legs.  Each runner runs a certain distance, and as a team, you complete a marathon.  How fun does that sound?!  So, my new goal was to run 6.05 miles, the 3rd leg of our marathon.  There were days that I would get so nervous thinking about race day.  What if I couldn't complete it? What if I fell?  What if I hurt my foot?  And my biggest fear...what if I failed my team?  I knew that all of this would only be defeated by knowing that through my Savior, I can do anything!  That is the truth, friends!  He sustained me, He strengthened me, and He caused me to endure. 

So, my goal was set, now I just needed some crazy people who would agree that, they too, wanted to do something so crazy fun.  Let me introduce you to them.  Our school, GPCA, ended up sponsoring our team.  Thanks GPCA!  We also had a team in the 5k on Saturday.  What an awesome school, with awesome support!

Mikey Keith, runner # 1, started us off with a strong leg! Mikey is an inspiration, and we had the honor of being his teammates as he completed his second full marathon! He is our youngest member on the team, and he and his wife, Julie, are expecting their first child in July. He is also the brother-in-law of teammate #4, Jennifer. Jennifer suggested Mikey as one of our strong runners, and we are so glad he obliged us. Mikey finished his 6.05 in 47:47, and he was 15 out of 250 runners for his leg! He took home the third place trophy in his age division in his latest 10k! He continued to make us proud as we watched him cross the finish line in under 4 hours!  Whoop whoop!


Myron Fisher, runner #2, is a Marine – need I say more?! He was recruited by his sweet wife, Yolanda – who is my partner in crime at GPCA. He, too, was chosen because of the strength he could give to our team. He had the hills, and the speed to do it. I  told him very little of what we needed from him, but he did not wavered in his commitment to us. I am honored to be on a team with someone who has fought for our country. Myron served us all in Iraq, and now he serves us as he shares this leg on our team. His 2.95 was a quick jog through the park at 26 minutes, and he came in at 22 out of 250 runners for his leg!

Ashley Morrison, runner #3 – me. I began running about 6 years ago. I took a girls’ beach trip, and had planned (and practiced) to run a straight 2 miles for the first time since high school while on this trip. I did it, and ran my first 5k that summer. I rarely run over 3 miles at a time, but last summer I set a goal to run 5 – yes, all at once. My next goal was to run 6.05 in the Mercedes Marathon Relay, and my team helped me reach that goal. I am not a strong runner, just a steady slow runner. "I WILL finish in front of the balloon lady!" It helped to have Mikey and Myron in front of me! So, my goal was to finish in under 1:20.I finished in 1:17:28! My ranking was the lowest on my team, but honestly, I'm still proud...117 out of the 250 runners that ran my leg!

Jennifer Eidson, runner #4, has been my running companion more than any other person, and we both started up our running regimen in the same year. I’m so glad we’re doing this together! She is strong, and she is a runner! She has been smoking me on our runs together lately. She was once the Balloon Lady in our Big Springs 5k, while she was pregnant AND pushing a baby in a stroller. She’s awesome! We call ourselves 2Mamas8kids, and I love that I get to hand off the chip to her. Her most encouraging statement is, “This will be fun!” She planned on finishing her 3.05 in around 35 minutes - and that was exactly what she did!  My girl finished 86 out of 250 in her leg!!!!! 

Tammy Mathews, runner #5, brought us home in style! Tammy is the female definition of inspiration. She picked back up her running shoes a few years ago on her journey to losing 80 pounds! This is her thing, y’all! She has come in first place 3 times in the Big Springs 5k, in her age group, and once overall for the women. Second place in the Power Run, 3rd overall (women) in the Crosspoint Run, Second in the Jingle Bell Run, and this is not all! Tammy has been my friend since we cheered together in junior high, and I am so glad that she agreed to run our longest, 8 mile, leg. She is thrilled to do it, which makes it even better! She planned to finish in under 1:17. She came in at 1:14:04!  57 out of 250 in the longest leg of the relay!!!! 

We all waited to see Tammy come to the finish area, and we all got to run (chase her) across the finish line!  She is so fast...even at the end of her race!  We all have a race set before us.  Each of us is called to do something different.  Each of us is given different strengths and abilities in order to get our job done.  In case you didn't catch it, I just went spiritual. ;)  I want to share with you a little more about what my Jesus taught me through my training, and my race.  We finished 64 out of 250 teams.  Go MidKnight Runners!

I've never run a race as an "official" team member.  There is something bigger about the goal for your team.  I'm not a big individual competitor, but put me on a team, and I see the purpose.  This was so much fun to me, and the biggest reason are the names, besides mine, listed above.  I love that this was my team - our team!

First, I must explain the balloon lady.  She was, after all, a huge motivator for me!  During the third leg, the half-marathoners would finish their race, and the marathoners and the third leg relay runners stayed to the right.  The Balloon Lady was walking at a pace of 13:44, and if she passed you in the third leg, you would be directed to the Half finish line, which meant legs 4 and 5 would NOT run, and the running that runners 1 and 2 ran would have been in vain, and your team would be disqualified.  No pressure.  So, every practice run had to be under 13 minutes per mile, because you do what you practice.  I had day horrors (never nightmares) about seeing her on my runs.  I would find balloons in odd places - no joke!  In my head she looked like a scary clown. In my spiritual run, the Balloon Lady is everything I'm afraid I will fail.  She is my own insecurity, she's my fear of the unkown, my fear of making the wrong choice.  My fear of not meausuring up to ...whatever.

Let me tell you how I kept her behind me.  "Let (me) strip off every weight that slows me down, especially the sin that so easily trips me up.  Let me run with endurance the race God has set before me.  I do this by keeping my eyes on Jesus, the Champion, who initiates and perfects my faith!" (My translation of Hebrews 12:1-2a  As long as I focussed on what Jesus could do in and through my body, Balloon Lady would always be behind me.  Mikey and Myron gave me a fabulous head start on her, but I held my own on my time staying in front of her.  During the race, I did go back and wait on her...tell you that in a minute. 

I started at the bottom of Highland Avenue.  I experienced such a rush waiting for Myron.  Looking for him, anticipating the had off.  Then, there he was!  Right in front of me!  I saw Sydney, Gracen, and Asa standing with Randy.  Randy was probably telling me not to start to fast.  I mean, I was keeping up with these crazy marathoners, and this was still the fast bunch!  Throghout my leg, if I got tired (2nd Avenue North - so boring!), I would tell myself, "Jenn's waiting!"  "Get to Jenn."  "Jenn has to run her race too!"  It reminded me that as we are running our spiritual race, there are times where we don't see the point.  If we get to that place, remember someone is waiting on you to do your part so they can do theirs.  Then, watch.  Don't miss your kids and your husband standing over there cheering for you!!!!!  There they were, smiling, cheering, holding their cute little signs, reminding me that my job was to finish!  Even when I was on 2nd Ave.N. that seemed so straight and long, with not much to look at on either side - just greyness.  Right after 2nd Ave. came the excitement of people cheering, and big buildings, and pretty streets.  Boring grey prepares us for the fireworks!  Then, came my little hill.  Yucko!  I heard something right here that I hadn't heard before.  "Come on, Baby, you can do it."  It was totally my mom's voice in my head.  Tears rolled a little bit, then pure joy that Jesus brought that out at that moment! 

As I rounded behind the BJCC, I knew I was well into my 5th mile, and that I was on the downhill stretch - except that it was an uphill stretch.  Then I remembered something else.  My daddy was at my finish line.  He was gonna be so proud!  My pace picked up.  I rounded my last corner, and I could tell where the relay station was, but I couldn't see which side to run to.  I always kick it up at the end of a race, almost to an obnoxious fault.  I was looking so hard for where to go, I was not hustling.  Then I realized my feet were about to cross the timing station. I was still confused, then I heard, "Heeeeeyyyyy, Ashley!"  My lips parted like the Red Sea, and my cheeks almost hurt I smiled so hard.  I said out loud, "That's my Daddy!" as I kicked it into high gear!  He was waving, my friends were cheering my name, and I was looking for Jennifer, but I could not find her.  I said, "Where's Jenn?!"  Then, my friend who is still witty in the midst of chaos, my friend who told me 2 1/2 years ago that my new journey would be fun, said my favorite words of the day.  "I'm right in front of you, I look just like you, right here!"(We both had on lime green shirts, black legs, and lime green softball socks...don't know how I couldn't see what was right in front of me.:)

So, I was done.  My race was finished.  Jenn was gone, but my Daddy was there.  You know, your Daddy waits at your finish line too.  He has placed people in your life to cheer you on when you're on those boring old roads - are you looking up?  He's got all kinds of people for you to meet, like blue hat, and hot pink pants who you might share a conversation with along the way, and receive or give a word of encouragement.  Your race might be boring..Run it.  Your race may be difficult.  Run it.  Your race may be uncertain.  Run it!  Enjoy it!  Know that when you're done, your Abba Daddy will yell your name, and He will be so proud of you! 

You might just get to be in the Cloud of Witnesses - the ones who have gone on before (Heb 1:1).  I think that might feel like this...   I waited on the corner that I had passed almost an hour earlier.  I knew she was coming.  Sure enough, there she was, coming up the hill.  She wasn't a scary clown.  She was a sweet faced, older lady with balloons.  Then I saw him.  Fit 2Phat.  He was 6 paces in front of her.This was my day horror about to come true for this man dressed in black!  "Gooooooooo!" I yelled!  "You're almost there, don't let her pass you!  Your team is waiting!"  He looked at me like he didn't think he could do it.  My heart sank.  "Jesus."  I prayed.  "You can do it!" I yelled again.  "How much further?" He asked.  I smiled as I yelled, "Just over the hill, and then left to finish!"  He scared me as he walked to the top of the hill, but then I saw him pick it up and jog, leaving only the Balloon Lady in my sight, and then she was gone.   My kids and Randy were with me then, and we walked to the finish line to cheer on our teammates. 

We don't know when our race will be done.  It's just our job to run it with endurance.  I don't know who in my family will cross the finish line first, but I think that as we cross, just like I was standing with my Daddy watching for the Balloon Lady, that our other family members will cross and come on over before we even realize we're there without them.  The hard part is being in the race still, when you know ones you love have finished their race.  Can I encourage you?  Make them proud.  Carry your team to victory, gain as many new teammates as you can, and have fun while you're doing it!  Don't give up!  They would never want you to throw in the towel, or to think that your part of the race is unimportant.  You were created for such a time as this. 

Friends, let this be our prayer in our spiritual run today.  "I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus is calling us." Phillipians 3:14

Expectant,

Ashley

Favorite Song

When the Lord walks you through a difficult time, the comfort you feel is inexplainable.  Take that feeling, and multiply it by a lifetime.  Welcome to my world today.  I am experiencing a fulfilled promise today.  For the most part, it has been an unspoken secret between me and my Lord.  He knows my heart, and I know His.  Today is beautiful to me.  Thirty-eight years ago today, my mama gave birth to me. 

Since that day, my song began.  It is far from finished, but is continually being written.  If you've followed these blogs, you know a lot of my song.  Today, I want to share with you a song that has become my favorite song of this year.

I walked into church on a Wednesday night early in the year.  I had just received news that my friend's baby, who had been in NICU, had gone home to be with the Lord.  We thought he was fine.  There were no words to fill the questions.  My heart ached for this friend.  The words I heard at church that night were this, "I'm gonna lift my hands, til I can reach Heaven...".  I prayed with everything in me for this mama who lost her baby.  I felt all she could do at this point was reach up to Jesus, who was now holding her baby. I know she will keep reaching until she is there.  So should we.  The way we reach may be different, but  if we could feel the passion of knowing this is not our home, the way that mama does, we might live a little differently, and a bit more victoriously.

"I'm gonna shout your name, til the walls come falling down."  Next line that has become my anthem this year.  Some walls had been built up around me, that as I saw them, I thought, "Where did these come from?"  I know that sounds crazy, but it happens.  You don't realize you're building them up until you run right into them.  Some of these walls are taking a little longer to break down, but I am STILL shouting!  They will fall down!

"There's a place my eyes can't see, where my spirit longs to be, it's a place of healing, it's a place where I find freedom."  So, I know there's more than what I see in this world.  I know that so many times in my day, when I am frustrated, Jesus wants me to see through His eyes.  Sometimes, I just can't see it.  My spirit never stops longing for this place...of freedom!  So many of us need to experience healing in relationships, in our bodies, in our thoughts, and in our view of God.  I encourage you to seek Him.  He will be found!

"There's a love that lives in me, for you Lord, my Savior King, it breaks the sin that's binding, and brings me to a place of freedom."  I praise Him for this love!  He has given me a love for His people, and this is the only way I can explain it.  I love to look into the eyes of people I meet.  When I look, that first glance is a chance. It's a chance for me to see them as God sees them.  I love when I get a chance to look closer, and share what I see with the person whose eyes look back at me.  This is usually not on the first meeting, but these are the people He allows me to develop relationships with over time.  These are precious, and I love all my peeps!

In my life I have come to realize, there is not a day that goes by when I won't need my Jesus.  We will all go through circumstances that we feel are testing us to our very limit.  My sincere hope for you is that you do whatever it takes to find that place of freedom.  Know He's got you.  Know He loves you.  Know He's bigger than anything you are facing. 

I want to share with you a place of freedom I have journeyed into today.  Let me share the first verse of the song with you. " There's a calm that covers me, when I kneel down at your feet, it's a place of healing, it's a place where I find freedom."  At ten years old, I knelt down at an altar.  I reached my hands to Heaven, because that's where my mama was now.  I knew I loved Jesus, but I also loved my mama in a way I had never loved anyone.  I wanted to know all I could about Jesus, and I asked Him to fill the hurt that was formed in my heart.  Today, I can say that I love Jesus more than anything!  He has given me so much!  So many prayers that I prayed as a child have been answered abundantly.  A cloud of gloom has always lingered still.  It's usually way far behind me, but there nonetheless.  That cloud is not there at all today.  My mama celebrated her 38th birthday in a coma.  I did not spend it with her for the first time in my life.  I am spending my 38th birthday WITH my children and my husband, and all my family and friends!!!!!!!  This is HUGE to me, y'all!  Satan has no hold on me, and I will fulfill the plans the Lord has for me! 

So, I haven't shared the chorus with you.  Um, and I'm not going to. :)  Highlands Worship created this song, and it is beautiful and anointed.  I will try to upload it to my facebook page, but if it doesn't work, go buy it off of iTunes.  Place of Freedom. Consider it a birthday present to me for you.  I would love it if you all listened to it today.  Thanks for all the encouragement you all give me!  I love my friends in such a big way.  He has given me a love for His people, and He gives love right back to me through all of you!!!!!

HAPPY birthday to me!

So Expectant that you can't even imagine,

Ashley

Aunt Marla

When I was in sixth grade, I had to choose an elective.  My heart was set on band - and being a drummer!  Beverly got a little nervous, about how loud our house might become, and she gently nudged me to pick choir.  "You know how much you love to sing, Ashley.  Choir is really the best choice for you."  She was right, I did love to sing.  So, I signed up for choir, and in the beginning of the 1986 school year, I met my choir teacher.  This lady would influence me for the rest of my life.  Her name is Marla Wilson.

One of my first memories of Mrs. Wilson is this.  I was put in the alto section, because there wasn't a bass section for junior high girls.  We started to sing our little hearts out, and she stopped us.  (We were singing the melody.)  She looked at us and said, "You don't get to sing the familiar part.  You get to sing the part that makes the song beautiful."  I wanted to know all this lady had to teach!  She poured so much into us, and demanded that we give back one hundred percent.  I will never forget how passionate she was when she directed us.  It was magical.  She loved what she was doing, and we loved it too.  More than that, she loved us, and we loved her.

At the end of sixth grade, she sponsored a talent show.  I decided I would dance, instead of sing.  I worked in my basement for weeks, trying to perfect my dance.  I loved dancing in my basement, and would continue until I was much older.  When I danced, the world faded.  The music lead me, and I was free.  To this day, it is stress relief for me.  So, back in sixth grade, I chose Janet Jackson's "Nasty".  Let me just clarify that the song is about NOT choosing "nasty boys".  :)  The show was during the day, and my parents both worked, so I didn't make a big deal about them coming.  I don't even think I asked them to come.  I was just a sixth grader, anyway.  I knew an eighth grader would probably win. 

I dressed in all black, with my key earring.  When I was on that stage, I became so excited.  It was like dancing in the basement, except I had more room.  It felt like being on the inside of a TV.  The lights were bright, so I really couldn't make out anyone in the audience...but I knew they were there.  I gave it my all, and I was having so much fun.  Mrs. Wilson was smiling at me from the wings.  After all the performances, all the contestants were on the stage.  I got pushed to the very back, behind some very tall eighth grade boys who lip synced to "I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight".  Third place and second place had been called, and the boys in front of me were high-fiving - because everyone knew they were the winners.  Then, I heard Mrs. Wilson's voice say..."and the winner of the 1987 Talent Show is...Ashley England!"  The boys in front of me were so confused.  Then they looked down at me as I made my way in between them.  The first thing I saw was Mrs. Wilson's smiling face, and apparently I was crying because she asked why I was.  I don't know if she or I was more excited. 

The next two years, I was in her Show Choir - um, that means singing AND dancing.  What could be any better than that?! I learned a lot of songs, and dances, but I learned so much more than that.  I watched this lady who didn't flaunt herself.  She was modest, but she was fun.  Her enthusiasm was contagious, and boy did we catch it!  I learned that you could sing all kinds of songs, but when you sing to Jesus you're giving Him a gift, and you are fulfilled.  Somedays you get picked for the solo, and if you wait til tomorrow to try out, the solo may go to someone else.  Humility is ALWAYS pretty.  Beauty is when you hold your head up, and you look people in the eyes- because they are the lamp of the body.  You become beautiful when you reach down to help someone else reach the potential that Jesus has placed inside them.  You become captivating when you help someone realize all of this when they started out believing that nothing in them was good. Oh, how I looked forward to the time I spent in her class!  It was a safe place.  It was a place where we all grew wings, and she taught us how to soar. 

Sometimes her love was tough.  There was a particular day that I stayed in P.E. a little longer than I should have.  She had been looking for me.  The pass that I brought to her class did not appease her.  She told me she was about to turn me in for skipping class.  WHAT?  Me?  Don't you know who I am?  Can I tell you how fast she put me in my place?!  Looking back, I'm so glad she did, but at the moment...I was scared to death!  Then there was the time I was talking to a boy I had no business talking to in her hallway.  She raised one eyebrow as she walked by me, as if to say, "What would your Daddy think?"  Message received. 

Junior High days were my glory days.  When my friend Tracy and I talk about the good ole' days, it's not high school, but junior high that we loved.  Mrs. Wilson was a constant in our glory days.  She taught me about my gifts.  You may be surprised that singing is not one of my spiritual gifts.  My husband does have that gift.  He let me sing on the praise team that he lead, and I loved it.  If Julie would sing the alto part in my ear, I could get it, but otherwise I was no good on my own. Randy would bang on the piano for my part - which would remind me of Mrs. Wilson, but his voice just didn't sound like hers.  I know I was a thorn in his flesh, but when I finally got it, I didn't sound so bad.  My oldest daughter is definitely blessed with the gift of music.  I love it!  I am so thankful that Mrs. Wilson encouraged a love of music in me.

I knew when I went to college that I wanted to help teenagers.  Those were my most difficult years.  I wanted to be a person who would try to understand what they were going through.  So many times, I felt like teenagers were misunderstood, or that their problems were overlooked.  All teens need a safe place.  So, I chose secondary education as my major.  I taught ninth graders.  So many days, I thought, "How would Mrs. Wilson handle this?"  She cared for my friends and me, and I was determined to care for the ones who thought they were unloveable.  It's these kids that make it the hardest.  They mask their hurt with outrageous behavior.  They are hurting and they need someone to break through the rough exterior.  She taught me this.

My husband and I worked with youth at our church.  We would put on Christmas plays that were so much fun!  He lead the choir and praise teams, and I loved helping with the human videos.  Just like Show Choir!  I treasure those times that we had with so many amazing kids.  Now, I do it all on a younger level.  Three year olds through fourth graders!  I love what I'm doing now as well!  We just have to be available to whatever the Lord needs us to do.  He will use it all for His glory, and He will bless us in the process.

Usually, I end by asking you to look in your own heart for what the Lord might be speaking to you.  Tonight, I'd like to ask you to pray for this incredible lady, Marla Wilson.  She is battling Stage 4 breast cancer.  I am only one life that she has touched over the years.  There are so many, y'all.  She's amazing, and she needs us to stand together for her.  Imagine a huge choir of kids (who are not such kids anymore), but instead of singing songs, we're singing prayers to Jesus, thanking Him for placing this amazing lady in our lives, and pleading for a complete healing for her.  Will you join with me?

Jesus, we ask in Your name, that you would touch Marla's body.  You are the Great Physician, and You tell us that we have not because we don't ask.  We ask humbly tonight, Jesus, that You would miraculously sweep this cancer out of her body.  Lord, we know that she still has people to reach for you, and more music to sing and share.  Let her voice continue to be heard.  Amen.

P.S.  Her nephew was in our class, and he always called her "Aunt Marla".  We thought we were just as special, so we called her this also.  She told me the group after us began calling her "Momma Marla".  See how precious?!

P.S.S.  As Christians, we may feel like we miss out on some things. I say the familiarity of this world is made beautiful by the melody we can bring when we reflect the love of our Jesus.  Find your calling, and use your gifts for His glory, friends!

You are "for me"...He is "for you!"

As I walked through the halls, I could hear the familiar, peace-bringing voice.  My heart was dancing, and my legs were taking me faster now, so that all my senses could have a worship experience that would connect so much of me with my Lord, whom I love more than I can express.  I opened the door to see a beautiful red dress, sixties style with a poofy skirt, dark brown hair, and a smile with a countenance to match a cross between an angel and a fairy.  It was Kari Jobe.

My daughter was with me.  This daughter happens to be very musically gifted.  I can't tell you how happy I was to have her there with me.  What an example for my sweet girl.  There is such trash out there that competes for the interest of our children, and I was glad that my girl could witness this awesome lady using the gifts the Lord placed inside her to give back to His people, and to Him.  She sings a song that has become my personal anthem. "You are For Me" has made me feel as if Jesus is speaking directly to me.  It reminds me that no matter who or what comes against me, He is with me in the middle of it. - and He is on my team!

Tonight, I'd like to share with you in a different way.  I'm feeling a little fictional.  The essence of our story is true.  I'm changing some names and details to protect.  You know I am on open book, but I respect those I love.  Not everyone wants EVERYTHING being told.  Of course, I can't understand why, but I'm going to do it this once. :)

Fahlan has wonderful childhood memories.  She is often teased because she seems to remember too much.  This never stops her from sharing stories with her family and friends.  Laughter and smiles always go hand in hand with these stories.  Something Fahlan did not share easily was pain and hurt.  Those stories were there, but these, she wanted to forget.  One memory in particular had followed her into adulthood, and had essentially become a phobia.  She shared this with very few people.  It only creeped out when she had to face this fear.  Facing it was not often, but because she works with children, it is inevitable.

In second grade, Fahlan was exposed to and then had Chicken Pox.  She was humiliated.  Then there was the treatement.  If you didn't put the cream on each individual one, it could scab, leaving scars.  No one wanted this, and if she had scars, they would be seen forever.   She remembered having to wash everything with  which she came in contact.  Itching all day long, and not being able to scratch was torture to her.  If the kids at school found out, she would die.  The laughter would never stop. The fact is, she didn't just have it one time, she had it two consecutive times.

This may seem to be trivial and maybe even silly.  The phobia was rooted in the way she was treated because of the illness, not because of the illness itself.  There was something else.  Fahlan's mother was less than interested in helping to treat the chicken pox.  She made Fahlan feel that it was her fault for getting them in the first place. She should have been more careful.  When Fahlan came down with them a second time, her mother accused her of getting them on purpose just so her mother would have to stay home from her raquetball match. The odds are Fahlan's mother was just having a hard time being a divorced mother trying to work, raise her child, and have a little stress-relief of her own.  Fahlan's mother probably never knew how her words would haunt her and follow her into adulthood.

Over the years, Fahlan had come close to having contact with children who had chicken pox.  The day came when one of her own students would come down with them.  She composed herself while discovering a few red dots on the child, but then quickly excused herself.  She barely made it through the door of the lounge before the tears started to flow.  They came uncontrollably.  She had not been this close to the illness since she herself was a child.  What if she had exposed her own children to this illness?  What if she got it again?  Who would care for her if her own mother had not wanted to?  The panic had to take hold of her mind and body before she could think to call on Jesus.  She knew that He had not given her a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.  She claimed these promises for herself, for her student, and for her children.  She dusted herself off and went back to class.

Making it through a situation that stirs up fear can help a person learn to walk in victory.  Fahlan knew that putting her faith into practice was the hardest when she was  walking through something that was testing her  faith so completely.  Still, she was learning and making progress.  This progress was critical for what she was about to face.  It was a warm November day.  Her daughter, Sierra, was playing outside while Fahlan was unloading the car.  As she walked by Sierra, Fahlan noticed that she was scratching her arm.  As Fahlan's eyes lead her body, a cold chill ran down her spine.  Sierra had at least 10 red dots in the crease of her elbow. 

"Jesus, please help us, " is all Fahlan could think.  She knew she had to remain calm, but even Sierra knew about her fear.  Fahlan had to hold it together, and not just hold it together, she had to be okay to help Sierra.  Fahlan phoned her husband, asking him to pick up what they needed, and asked him to hurry home.  If she were honest with herself, and her husband, she didn't know how long she could hold it together.  "Why?  Was it not enough that I had to have this horrible experience as a child?  Now, my daughter has to go through it, and I have to watch her - knowing what it did to me?" Fahlan just spoke her heart to her Lord.

Sierra said, "Mommy, am I going to be okay?  You said when you had this it was really bad."  Fahlan looked into her daughter's eyes and she felt a peace and an assurance as she spoke to her precious daughter.  "Baby, you are going to be fine, and I am going to be right here beside you through all that we do.  We'll put medicine on every dot, and when you feel like you need to scratch, I'll put warm rags on you."  Sierra smiled at her momma.  She knew the words were true. 

That night and the next, Fahlan sat up with Sierra till the wee morning hours.  Sierra would dose off in between applying the medicine, and Fahlan trying to ease the itching however she could.  It was 3:00 in the morning, and Fahlan began to sing quietly, "I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness, and I know that you have come down, even if to write upon my heart - to remind me, who You are."  She laughed as the tears streamed down her face.  She had come face to face with her fear.  God was not mocking her.  He was right there with her in that living room , with her sweet girl asleep on her lap.  He did not leave her in her weakness, rather He was giving her a chance to be the mom, and to do and say the right things.  As she looked down at her sleeping daughter, she praised her Jesus, "Thank you, Lord, for making me the mom Sierra needed tonight.  I don't know why no one was there  to do this for me, but I see now that you never left me.  Maybe my mom responded the way she did, so that I would respond the way I did.  You have taken something that was horrible, you have made me look at it up close and personal, and now I see that You are bigger.  I love that you are "for me".

Sierra healed nicely with very minimal scarring.  The only one that was the least bit noticeable was in Sierra's eyebrow.  She and Fahlan laughed because now mother and daughter shared the same scar.  Later, Sierra put it all in perspective and Fahlan knew that their hearts would not share the same scar.  Fahlan asked Sierra if the whole experience had been as bad as she thought it would be.  Sierra responded with words that would forever leave an imprint on Fahlan's heart, "Not at all, mom.  It was really no big deal.  I think it was easier for me because you were with me the whole time.  I didn't have to feel scared by myself like you did when you were little.  I'm glad you were here."


So, I'm sure you can think of something much more scary than chicken pox.  Do you have a phobia?  Is there something you are so afraid of that others would not even flinch about?  This is what makes us all unique.  Our experiences and environments make us how we are.  Jesus can help us to overcome any obstacle of fear.  To watch our children go through something that was devastating for us can seem like torture.  You never know when He may be giving us the second chance to do it as it should have been done all along.  Let me encourage you tonight.  No matter what your family legacy is, and no matter how much people say you are just like Aunt So and So, know first that you are a creation made by the most Holy God!  He has a plan for your life that can never be compared to or compromised by anyone in your lineage.  Child, you are His!  He is definitely "for you!"  Now, let Him see you where you are, with the needs that you have, then let Him fill You!

Expectant,

Ashley

Golden Eyes I Cannot See

We were at a place where I knew we had to make a decision.  I didn't have much time to think about it, and I had to act quickly.  There was tremendous pain in making it, but if I had not made it, I could have caused harm to something so very fragile.  I prayed for an answer.  I prayed for strength.  I prayed for forgiveness for what I was ready to do.

I felt like I couldn't let myself feel.  I had to try to be as numb as I could.  I was strong until I was in the midst of the act that I dreaded.  Before you think this is something much worse, let me explain.  It was January.  I had spent a week in the hospital, my baby was in the middle of the fight for his life, we were preparing our home to be as germ free as we could, so that when Aaron came home, we could keep him well.  Our cat, Judah, had been getting worse and worse about finding places in the house to relieve himself.  We would find evidence of him in closets, in boxes w/ blankets, beside a backpack, and on my comforter.  It was not getting better, and I knew it was time to do something.  I took him to the vet, knowing that I might have to put him down - if this was something that could not be fixed.

Let me introduce you to Judah.  Randy found him as a tiny kitten.  He was huddled under a porch of one of the houses being built.  Randy brought him home in a little green birdcage.  When I first saw him, he was balled up in a corner hissing.  Randy wouldn't let me get him out, because he thought he might bite me.  (This is the guy who will pick up a rattlesnake without batting an eye!)  I humored him for a bit, then got that baby out and snuggled with him.  He was scared to death!  We were engaged at the time, and he became our kitty.  When we got married, and I moved in, we learned that we had one smart cat on our hands.  We taught him to fetch.  I could be in one room, and Randy in another.  We would wad up paper - writing notes to each other on it - and as we threw it, Judah would take the paper in the other room, to the other person!  No lie!  Then, there were times when he was not so bright.  We kept him locked in our bedroom during the day.  We lived in an apartment, and we weren't sure about the pet rule.  When we would come home, his little white paws would wave at us from underneath the door as if he was saying, "Hey, welcome home, now come let me out!"

Judah was a constant fixture in our home.  He saw my first three babies come home from the hospital.  He sent each of the big kids off to school for the first time, and was waiting on them when they got home.  When I was pregnant, he would lie on my belly and purr as the babies moved around.  He looked at me in my eyes, as if he could tell how I was feeling.  He was extremely obedient.  He wouldn't put a paw on the kitchen floor.  One day, he tried to save my life.  Randy was tickling me, and I was screaming.  Judah jumped on Randy and climbed to his neck where he proceeded to bite Randy until I stopped screaming.  He stood between Sydney and Gracen and a big dog that walked up in our driveway.  He puffed himself up as big as he could and let out a growl with a hiss, and that dog tucked tail and ran. :)

He loved us.  He protected us.  He made us smile.  We were his people, and he was our cat.  Now, in a matter of days I was making a decision about his sweet life.  The vet told me he was old, in pain, and his behavior would probably not get better.  We considered the worst.  UNTIL...a sweet lady in the vet at the same time as Randy offered to take him to her farm.  He could run and be free and live out his days living the life of a farm cat.  I was so elated that we had an alternative.  My best friend drove me to the farm as I let my kitty go.  I tried to tell him what was going on.  I tried to tell myself this was the best thing for him.  I wish I didn't have to leave him, and maybe I shouldn't have, but I did.  I wrote the lady a letter about all this sweet kitty meant to me.  I told her about his personality, and I thanked her for giving my kitty a second chance.

My focus was on my four pound baby.  I had to fight for him, and I had to give him the best environment he could have.  I had to let go of 13 years of loving that little kitten in a birdcage.  What was he thinking?  All I could do was pray that he would enjoy his new life on the farm.  The nice lady said I could bring my kids up to see him whenever we wanted.  My kids were about to experience life without Judah - which is something they had never known.

I kept in touch with the nice lady.  Judah liked the horse.  He would follow her out to feed him.  One day I called to see if we could come visit.  Now was not a good time.  I called later.  They were getting ready to move, but Judah would be fine.  I called and left messages.  I drove by the farm, and called her.  She had moved and Judah had not gone with them.  Neighbors had food put out, so he would not go hungry.  The big kids and I went on a Judah hunt.  We left our number with all the neighbors.  We called his name all over the place.  Nothing.

Today, I drove back by without the big kids.  The lady told me he liked the green trailer behind the house.  The day I had the kids with me, I couldn't find it.  I found it hidden way back in the woods.  I got flat on the ground, looking under it.  No Judah.

The other day when we were there, a man with kind eyes helped by giving us some information.  He told me he would look for Judah.  He told me where the green trailer was.  He gave me the names of the neighbors to talk to.  Today, the man with the kind eyes asked me how well I knew the lady.  "Not well at all," I replied.  He looked in my eyes, and I knew I was not going to find my kitty today.  He assured me that she took good care of her animals, but that I might never know the truth about Judah.  I don't understand.  I can't tell you how badly I want to see that little black face popping up out of some grass.  I am mourning all over again.

I prayed that these neighbors would not think I was a stalker.  As I said that out loud, I continued with, "Lord, you would do this for us.  If you knew we were lost, you would come find us - no matter who thought we were crazy."  He's been an outside cat, so he could be outside at our house now.  I also prayed that if Judah could hear me, that he would find me.  I believe he didn't hear me today.  I'm not ready to believe that he's gone.  I am still hoping that he finds his way back to us, or that one of the neighbors finds him and calls me.

Sometimes things don't work out the way we plan or hope.  Sometimes they do.  I want to see those golden eyes again!  Just as I had to choose my child over my animal, Jesus will choose His children EVERY time over those who go against them.  Unlike me, Jesus is all-powerful, and all-knowing.  When He hears your cry, He comes running to you - and He ALWAYS finds what He's looking for, no matter what truth is being withheld.

I'm praying for those of you who may be experiencing deep hurt.  Maybe no one really knows the depth of your ache.  He does.  Bring it to Him, and let Him heal your brokenness.  You might have guilt and regret over something.  The truth is, you can't change it.  Jesus can pick up your pieces right where you are and create a masterpiece.  Pain is hard to deal with presently.  Pain will also produce strength that you wouldn't gain without the hurt.  I say this to you as I am still grieving  a loss, and unanswered questions.  Press forward!  We can do this.

Expectant,
Ashley